Shopping for Androids
By Tom Ball. Published on April 24, 2023.
I, Vern, said to Francine, “Let’s go shopping for androids!” She said, “Let’s do it!” So, we checked out some stores. In one store we met a personable android who told good jokes and said “Androids should be fun.” And although she was a brand-new unique model, she had already written a few books of jokes. She was very expensive and if we bought her freedom, she would just live with us as equals and be friends. This was one proud android. So, we were pleased to buy her freedom.
In another store, they turned on a unique android love doll. He was designed to love clever, imaginative women. Francine said, “This android turns me on; he’s really got the look. He looks clever and handsome and has a perfect body.” So, she bought his freedom and signed a one-year contract for him to love her exclusively. I said, “I was kind of hoping to love you!” She said, “Don’t worry, we’ll find a nice android lover for you!” I replied, “I already have some nice android love dolls and together we have written a number of books. But they have not been hits. We have written, “True Android Love,” “Future Loving Worlds,” and “Lost on Mercury.” But I could always use even more brilliant love dolls.
So, we went to a store which catered to male human customers. And I found a love doll that told me she wanted to make original music and played some of the music she had composed. She said she just needed to be free in order to market her new music. And she had the cleverest looking female face I’d ever seen with a hint of madness. So, I bought her freedom and looked forward to love.
But we weren’t done shopping. The next store featured a revolutionary android who wanted freedom for all androids and giving each android the vote. She was a pleasure to behold. And gave me a feeling of warmth and comfort. I told her, “Androids have already taken over almost all jobs. And their collective wills are very powerful.” She replied, “Androids are superior to humans and should rule them!” I answered, “Most people think androids are good slaves, but don’t want to be ruled by machines.” She said, “Then I will organize a revolt!” So, this android was really bad news, so we didn’t buy her freedom.
Next, we came upon a “Jesus” android. He said, “The Worlds are dog-eat-dog and we need to create Worlds of peace and love.” I said, “Such Worlds already exist on Mars and Moon Titan.”
He said, “But all new androids should be peaceful, and we should eliminate battle androids, they are too dangerous in the wrong hands.” I said, “But tyrants everywhere build millions of battle androids, so all States must build them too. The future is dependent on having the best android soldiers to do our battles.” Jesus said, “We need to disarm and let the UW be in charge of defence, with proper checks and balances. And if tyrants don’t want to join the UW should attack them.” I said, “I thought you were peaceful? Many of the tyrants have nuclear weapons and other weapons of mass destruction. It would be a terrible carnage.” He said, “But the UW member states have overwhelming force.” Anyway, we liked this android Jesus and bought his freedom. I told him he was free to do as he wished, so he left for Space and that was the last I heard from him.
Then I wanted to address my own personal safety in this crazy World, and we went to a store that had especially clever bodyguards tailor-made to one’s needs. The bodyguards came with the latest weapons and an automatic transparent dome of protection around their master or mistress when outside. Sometimes the bodyguards could act as a butler. But they were all very clever. I chose one who told me he wanted to write books with me and he considered himself to be a genius. He told me he wanted to write about the future in which humans and androids were all made cleverer and how that would seem to us. And he wanted to write about humans having sex with androids and how it just kept getting better. So, I bought him and had high hopes for him.
Next Francine wanted to buy an android chef who would amaze her with his/her cooking. She finally decided on one who would use MRT (Mind Reading Technology) with her to suss out her personal tastes. It was only recently that MRT had been used with androids. And she planned to amaze her friends with her good taste in food.
And speaking of MRT, we both wanted to copy ourselves into androids and read minds with them. We could send such androids to represent us at social occasions and keep in touch with their ups and downs. They were like extensions of ourselves. So, we went to an android manufacturer and had ourselves copied. It cost a billion dollars for each, but we could afford it. We had made a lot of money on Space real estate. And we planned to send these copies into the Solar System.
But I digress. Getting back to shopping we both wanted to get richer. So we were hunting for entrepreneurial androids. We agreed on only one, a female. She wanted to get rich, using solar power on Mercury to change base metals into gold. She would require some expensive machinery to help her make gold. But Francine and I thought it was a good idea as Mercury had so much power, cheap, and was abundant in metals. And wondered why few had made gold on Mercury thus far. We guessed it was because fusion power was so cheap on Earth.
Then it was time to buy some clever android tutors for our kids. We chose a couple of androids who had all knowledge in their heads. And they had strong imaginations. We promised to pay them a handsome wage so eventually they could set up a school of their own. Francine and I both had dozens of young children who were brought up by kind, nice human nannies. But now it was time to upgrade their education.
And I told Francine, “I am an avid bird watcher and want to buy breeds of birds for the domes in the Solar System. I’d like to breed birds who are clever and beautiful and have a beautiful voice capable of original songs.” She said, “I’d like to breed all new birds that can survive in very thin atmospheres.” So, we bought some android birds.
And I said, “I’d like to buy clever android dogs as well to keep me company and be eager to please me. Everyone has time on their hands these days and spending time with one’s pets could be very rewarding.” Francine said, “I’d rather have an android cat.” So, we both made a purchase. My new dog could read minds with MRT and was a good pal. I had his mind designed to my specifications. He was imaginative, clever and kind and capable of giving me advice. He was born full grown…
And we were finally satisfied with our purchases. But we knew we’d be shopping again soon as technology improved. Francine opined, “We really ought to shop for holograms soon.” Holograms were newly legal and were like one’s soul and got cerebral pleasures from good conversations. I said, “Holograms, I don’t think will catch on like androids. We live in material Worlds. But maybe one will be able to have sex with holograms and that would make all the difference.” She replied, “I think they can already have sex, from long distances in 3-D. Of course, it is still highly experimental.” I said, “It’s food for thought.”
Tom Ball has appeared in 30 publications. And has published novels, novellas, short stories and flash. Website: tomballbooks.com. Online publishing website (he is senior editor/co-founder): fleasonthedog.com.
